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How to Build and Improve Your Self-Esteem in a Lasting Way

How to Gain Self-Confidence (And Keep It) As a Man in a Screwed-Up Society

April 29, 2025

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Where have all the confident, self-assured men gone?

Whether you’ve noticed it or not, there is a very real crisis of self-confidence facing modern-day men — and what to do about it is not always clear.

The thing with confidence and self-esteem is that they can be fleeting. Hanging onto those attributes in a world that often spends a lot more time tearing us down than building us up can be a monumental undertaking, especially when the going gets rough. So, what’s a guy to do when he feels he’s lacking a sense of self-assuredness, or, at the very minimum, that his confidence could use some elbow grease?

Some people seem to be born with confidence radiating in their bones; the truth is that confidence is a skill that everyone is capable of practicing and honing. But there are forces out there — societal and familial expectations, loneliness and disconnectedness, a culture surrounding romance and dating that feels increasingly fickle — that place relentless pressure on all of us.

Adding to the morass, of course, is the constant specter of social media, where we can’t help but take in carefully curated feeds of other people seemingly living amazing, carefree lives that can chip even further away at our sense of self-worth.

It can be a lot at times, and can even test the resolve of the most strong-willed among us. Thankfully, there are proven ways to build up confidence and self-esteem, no mountain moving required. We turned to the experts for tips and advice on not only building up these skills, but also maintaining them over the long haul. Here’s what you should know:

The Foundations of Self-Esteem

When you start to think about confidence and self-esteem as learnable skills, as these tangible things that can be acquired if you simply put the work in, then the prospect of turning your overall sense of self-worth around doesn’t have to be so daunting. At base level, it can be small, seemingly insignificant actions that make all the difference.

“At its core, positive self-esteem is built on self-respect, self-compassion, and a sense of personal agency — the belief that you can impact your own life in meaningful ways,” says Dr. John Moore, with guycounseling.com.

“For men starting at rock bottom, I encourage focusing first on consistency: keeping small promises to yourself, like getting out of bed on time or moving your body daily. These small wins compound over time and rebuild trust in yourself, which is the foundation for confidence.”

Whether it’s making your bed in the morning, getting your steps in throughout the day, or drinking a set amount of water, it is these little actions that help shift your mindset over time. According to New York-based Performance Psychiatry, this is what’s known as the “ripple effect.”

The sense of accomplishment we feel from completing a task, however small, creates positive momentum that can then propel us forward.

Setting and meeting these “small” goals or tasks on a regular basis will help you get up off the mat, but you can’t miss the absolute lowest rung on the ladder either: taking care of your physical and mental health.

From the physical perspective, this means staying active, getting a proper amount of sleep, and maintaining a relatively healthy diet.

Having a regular exercise routine, whether that be a daily 15-minute walk or a full-on regimented workout, is not only beneficial from a physical standpoint, but also for your emotional well-being.

Meanwhile, fostering healthy relationships, romantic or otherwise; utilizing reliable emotional outlets; and practicing mindfulness and gratitude are other key tools for taking care of your mental health.

Combatting Loneliness

Are we in the midst of a “male loneliness epidemic”? It’s a term that gets thrown around from time to time, and there certainly is research out there that points to its existence. One such piece of evidence comes from the Survey Center on American Life, which, in May 2021, found that less than half of American men (48 percent, to be exact) reported being satisfied with their friendships, while just one in five men said they had received emotional support from a friend in the week prior to the survey.

Compare these numbers to those reported by women in the survey, though — 54 percent of whom reported being satisfied with their friendships, and four in 10 who said they had received emotional support from a friend in the past week — and you don’t necessarily get the picture that this is an issue solely in the realm of men.

Even fresher data from the Pew Research Center suggests men and women struggle with loneliness in nearly equal measure. A survey conducted by the center in the fall of 2024 found that 16 percent of men and 15 percent of women reported feeling lonely or isolated from those around them all or most of the time.

Where the gender divide does show up, however, is in how likely men and women are to turn to friends for support, with 54 percent of women reporting they would do so and just 38 percent of men saying the same.

“Many men were never taught how to build emotionally rich, reciprocal friendships,” explains Moore. “They may have ‘activity buddies’, but not people they feel safe opening up to. Without emotional connection, even a full social calendar can feel empty. This isolation has real consequences on mental health and self-worth.”

One major obstacle men face in forging meaningful friendships is the pervasive idea that showing our “softer” sides is not masculine. Admitting that we enjoy and indeed need friendship is sometimes considered anathema to all that is “manly”, something not to be mentioned or discussed.

It is those very relationships, however, that help us ward off loneliness and isolation. You don’t need to go around telling everyone your deepest, darkest secrets, but having one or two close friends that you are comfortable talking to about anything and everything is more of a boon for your emotional well-being than you may realize.

That said, we derive all kinds of benefits from all kinds of friendships. Sometimes you just need to shoot the breeze or take part in an activity, sport, or hobby that you have in common, no deep conversations needed.

“From a mental health perspective, having a good group of male buddies that stay connected is worthy of the time and effort that it may require,” says Laura L. Young, a New York City relationship therapist and licensed clinical social worker. “Several of my male clients have an annual trip that they arrange which keeps them connected and supportive of one another.”

Romance & Self-Esteem

A man’s dating life, or lack thereof, can also be a major factor that affects his perception of himself.

It is no longer uncommon for U.S. adults to remain single late into life or to never marry at all. In fact, a 2021 study from the National Center for Family & Marriage Research found that 29 percent of adults between the ages of 30 and 49 reported having never been married — a significant jump from the 17 percent of people who said the same in 2000. Despite this, there is still a large portion of society that views “settling down” with a romantic partner as the accepted norm.

Whether or not you personally hold that view, society’s thinking on this subject can have a subconscious impact on the way you see yourself.

Take, for example, the proverbial family holiday get-together, wherein relatives of a certain age cannot help but ask the single adults if they’re seeing anyone romantically or when they might finally settle down. There is an expectation that you will eventually find someone to share your life with, regardless of your personal wants and needs.

On the other end of the spectrum, you may be the man who would like to have a romantic partner but simply hasn’t found “the one” just yet. In this case, the societal pressures surrounding dating can lead to self-doubt (i.e., “what’s wrong with me?”) and an utter lack of confidence that can creep into other aspects of your life.

“Romantic relationships can deeply influence a man’s self-image, especially in a culture where being in a partnership is often seen as a sign of success or validation,” says Moore. “When things aren’t going well — or if he’s single and struggling — it can reinforce internal narratives of inadequacy or rejection. However, a healthy relationship with oneself is the most important foundation; external love can’t compensate for internal emptiness.”

Adding to the problem is the general state of modern dating. People still meet in real life, whether at work, in church, at a bar, or other social settings, but the proliferation of dating apps has dramatically shifted the goal posts. In a world where ghosting and situationships abound, there aren’t many winners.

“The current dating landscape can feel like emotional quicksand for many men,” Moore says. “The ambiguity, rejection, and gamified nature of dating apps can chip away at confidence and lead to a sense of powerlessness or confusion about one's worth. Without clarity and emotional reciprocity, many men are left feeling both disposable and disoriented.”

In such an environment, adds Young, it is more important than ever to be straightforward in your approach.

“I’d encourage transparency in communication of what is being sought,” she says. “Often, both men and women want to date and do not want to get hurt or disappointed, so they present a version of themselves while dating. If you are seeking to hook up with no strings, make that clear.”

No one likes being rejected romantically, but it happens to most everyone. In those moments, take a minute to remind yourself that we are each responsible for our own happiness. Significant others can help enhance that happiness, but they are not its ultimate source.

Redefining & Holding Onto Self-Worth

For decades, a man’s sense of self-worth could be largely tied to a handful of things.

Settling down with a romantic partner would be considered one of those traditional markers of success; others might include having a stable, well-paying job and owning a home. All three are noble goals worth aspiring to, if a man so desires, but they are by no means the standards by which we must judge ourselves.

“These traditional benchmarks still carry enormous symbolic weight for many men,” says Moore. “When those goals feel out of reach — due to economic shifts, debt, or housing instability — it can trigger feelings of failure or shame, even when the circumstances are systemic. We need to help men decouple their self-worth from outdated success metrics and redefine masculinity around resilience, integrity, and emotional strength.”

Instead of looking outward, we need a reorientation toward our inner selves, which is where our confidence and self-esteem must be rooted in order for them to last over the long haul. That way, when some external incident or event attempts to shake us, we have the fortitude from within to face the challenge head on.

“Long-term self-esteem comes from living in alignment with your values, surrounding yourself with emotionally safe people, and being willing to do the inner work — therapy, reflection, and vulnerability,” says Moore. “It’s also about contribution: finding ways to create, mentor, serve, or lead gives men a sense of purpose beyond themselves. Confidence isn’t a destination; it’s a byproduct of how you show up, especially when life gets hard.”

Building ourselves up is a never-ending but necessary project. No matter where you are in that journey — at rock bottom, standing tall, or somewhere in between — there is always room to learn, grow, and improve.

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