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How to Stop Falling for the Wrong People

Life's Short. Here's How to Stop Falling for the Wrong People

May 1, 2025

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Same heartbreak, different person. Maybe you keep chasing unavailable people, finding yourself being strung along, or trying to “rescue” someone.

If it feels like you always fall for the wrong people, it’s likely not just bad luck — it’s a pattern. The good news is, once you become aware of it, you can change it.

“I've worked with men for close to a decade and I continuously find one common thread,” says Amalya Tagakchyan, LCSW, therapist and CEO at Untangled Path Therapy.

“The sooner they recognize there is a [damaging] pattern and where it stems from — in other words, work on their self-awareness and unlock vulnerability, the sooner they can break it,” she explains.

Of course, no one sets out to fall for the wrong person. It often starts with attraction and chemistry. Problematic relationship dynamics aren’t always obvious. You might just think you’re following your gut or have a “type.”

But if the same disappointments keep showing up, it’s worth looking deeper. Here’s what it means if you keep falling for people who aren’t good for you, why you’re attracted to them in the first place and how to end the cycle.

What Falling for the Wrong People Means

It’s going to sound surprising, but if you keep being attracted to people who end up breaking your heart, some unconscious part of you is afraid of real love, says Alyson Curtis, LMHC, therapist and owner of Attuned Therapy. It may mean that there’s an attachment wound that needs healing.

What’s an attachment wound? It’s an emotional scar that stems from your early relationships, usually your family of origin. It doesn’t always mean that you had a bad childhood or caregivers. But if the love you received was conditional or unpredictable in any way, you may have learned a flawed version of what love and intimacy are supposed to feel like — even that it’s supposed to be painful.

For example, if your dad always criticized your hobbies or appearance, you end up in relationships with partners who put you down. If your mom was emotionally distant, you pursue women who don’t show much affection. These aren’t 100% predictive or locked in stone by any means — human beings are complex creatures, after all — but they can be a key to unhealthy dating and relationship patterns.

There are different types of attachment wounds that can manifest in many different ways. The key takeaway? Regardless of how the story plays out for you, falling for the wrong people is a sign that something unresolved deserves your attention.

Being Attracted to People Who Are Bad for You

So, why do we keep perpetuating childhood wounds as adults?

“In adulthood, we unconsciously try to have a corrective experience from the messed-up version of love we witnessed while growing up,” says Curtis, who adds that the pattern goes something like, “If I could just convince this girl to like me, to treat me better, then I’d know I am lovable.”

Again, this isn’t typically conscious. Most people believe they want to find love. But you have to look at what’s going on in your relationships to get intel about your true underlying beliefs, adds Curtis.

If a pattern keeps happening, it’s because it’s oddly comfortable and familiar.

“We all make choices in partners from a place of filling a need or a place of comfort,” says Tagakchyan. “We may recreate dynamics, even those that are unhealthy or dysfunctional, because it's the only way we know to feel safe.”

How to End the Cycle for Good

Ready to end the cycle? It can take time, introspection and professional help. But it doesn’t always need to feel heavy or overwhelming. The first step is to recognize that a pattern exists.

Heal From Your Past

Then, ask yourself if you’ve truly healed from past relationships. Are you over your ex? Be honest about your readiness to be in a healthy relationship, recommends Tagakchyan. Therapy can help with this step.

Figure Out What You Want

Next, get clear about what you’re looking for: Are you ready to choose someone who matches the emotional maturity, values and qualities that you bring to the table? What are your non-negotiables?

Start Choosing Differently

But here’s the thing: Even if you feel ready and know what you want and deserve,

it doesn’t mean old patterns won’t show up. You may still feel drawn to people who reflect your past. Shifting your mindset and making different decisions is crucial. This is where real change happens.

Whoever you’re telling yourself is your “type” might actually be your pattern. That subtle change in language matters.

As Curtis puts it, “that difference in word choice reminds you that who you think you’re attracted to is not set in stone, purely instinctual and unable to be changed— it’s merely a habitual pattern derived from your conditioned beliefs on love.”

Challenge Your ‘Type’

So, challenge your “type.” Instead, use instant attraction as a sign to proceed with caution.

“Date people you’d normally not date. Give second and third dates to people you’d normally write off. You want to go against your instincts a bit, because your ‘instincts’ are telling you to go after people who are wrong for you,” says Curtis.

It isn’t about dating people you don’t feel attracted to, but staying open and curious. Don’t go swiping with a hardened view of who your person needs to be, adds Curtis: “You’ll set yourself up to play right back into your old pattern.”

Date With Purpose

Use dating as an opportunity to shift gears, because what feels familiar could be part of the problem — and what you immediately dismiss could be part of the solution. For example, if you tend to progress relationships quickly, practice taking your time. If dating someone kind and emotionally available feels boring, explore the connection before dismissing it.

That’s where the real growth begins. And you may just end up falling for the right person in the process.

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