The Problem With 'The One That Got Away'
The Psychology of 'The One That Got Away' (And Why It's Holding You Back)
Your ex from several years ago. That fling you just can’t shake. The memories replay like a movie in your head. Maybe you messed up. Maybe they broke up with you. Maybe it was bad timing and you never actually were together.
You’ve since moved on – in theory. You may even be dating someone new. But sometimes you can’t help but wonder: Was that person “the one that got away”? If you can’t stop thinking about them, you’re not crazy. You’re just human. But clinging to the past may be sabotaging your love life.
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Here’s why the memory of the “one that got away” is so powerful, why men are more prone to fantasize about it, and concrete steps to finally let go.
The Science Behind the ‘One That Got Away’
There’s a reason the idea of that one person from your past can linger for years, regardless of what happened between you. Once you understand the science behind the concept of “the one that got away,” you’ll be that much more equipped to move on.
Counterfactual Thinking
The memory feels so intense because of a psychological mechanism called counterfactual thinking. Simply put, it’s your brain’s inclination to fixate on “what ifs.”
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“When a romantic relationship ends, especially one that felt like it had long-term potential, our brains tend to idealize what could have been,” according to Dr. Charles Sweet, psychiatrist and medical director at Linear Health.
“You quite literally have to mourn a person who’s most likely not actually deceased, but you have to accept that you’ll be living separate lives,” Sweet says. “But you’re also grieving the imagined future we built with them.”
This is especially true when there wasn’t clear closure or a breakup wasn’t mutual. It’s a classic case of unfinished business.
Dopamine Response
Your brain’s dopamine response reinforces these thoughts. According to a Harvard Medical School study, when we remember romantic moments, the brain lights up in the same reward regions activated by drugs like cocaine.
In other words, you can become addicted to the emotional high associated with the memory of “the one that got away.”
Rosy Retrospection
Lastly, there’s also a bias called rosy retrospection at play. It refers to our tendency to rewrite history, filtering out the negative aspects of certain memories and amplifying the highs.
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“Only the positive aspects remain, and the conflicts or incompatibilities are conveniently edited out. Over time, the memory becomes less about the real person and more about an unattainable fantasy,” says Sweet.
Why Men Often Romanticize the Past
To top it all off, men are more likely to romanticize their past and get stuck on the memory of “the one that got away.”
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Part of it has to do with what Sweet refers to as “emotional imprinting” combined with nostalgia: “Suppose that the relationship coincided with a formative life period, such as early adulthood or a significant life transition. In that case, it is more likely to be stored in memory with intense emotional significance.”
Not to mention that men are socially conditioned to suppress or avoid their emotions. “This means that feelings tied to loss or vulnerability can linger unresolved for years, bubbling up as romantic nostalgia,” adds Sweet.
When you don’t process grief, it doesn’t disappear. It shows up in other ways. It can turn into limerence, a type of obsessive infatuation that can be mistaken for true love.
How Holding on Is Holding You Back
Reminiscing about “the one that got away” may feel comforting in the moment. But it comes at a cost.
This mentality leads to emotional stagnation, robs future relationships of their potential and prevents you from growing, says Vikas Keshri, clinical director, social worker and psychotherapist at Bloom Clinical Care Counselling and Therapy Services.
You can’t be wholeheartedly present with a new partner if a piece of your heart is still entangled with a ghost from the past. You might even find yourself sabotaging new relationships by always comparing new partners to an idealized version of “the one that got away.”
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The problem? That person doesn’t actually exist. It sets impossible expectations and stops you from enjoying healthy connections.
Tips to Finally Let Go of ‘The One That Got Away’
Ready to let go? Here are a few grounded, practical steps to help you move forward once and for all.
Challenge Your Biases
Keshri suggests creating an even-split list of the pros and cons of the relationship. Be honest with yourself about the full picture. It offers a much-needed reality check against your rose-colored glasses.
Stay Present
Mindfulness is another powerful tool for navigating your feelings. Aim to cultivate presence in your daily life. “Practice mindfulness to catch yourself when you drift into a state of fantasy. It’s important to engage in new experiences that help rewire your emotional associations and shift focus from what was to what is possible,” says Sweet.
Reframe Your Beliefs
“Replace ‘I'll never find better’ with ‘[they] might be gone, but maybe I can find someone who validates me more’ (or whatever the dissatisfaction was from your end in the past relationship,” recommends Keshri.
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Create Closure
If you never got closure, create it. One way to do this is to ritualize the act of letting go, adds Keshri. For example, write a letter, put it in an envelope as if you would actually send it, then shred or burn it.
Try New Things
Novelty is key for breaking out of emotional stagnation. So, get out of your comfort zone and try new things. It can be as simple as exploring a new coffee shop or as elaborate as planning a trip.
Talk to a Therapist
There’s no need to go through the process alone. As Sweet puts it, if the grip feels too tight, there’s no shame in talking to a professional: “[Therapy] is actually a great space to process attachment wounds and create space for new beginnings.”
By accepting the past instead of idealizing it, you’ll create space for what’s real, what’s next and what’s waiting to meet you in the present.
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